Apostrophes and Me

I taught college writing for over 41 years—years that were rewarding and joyful. However, the experience did leave me with one huge question: Why can’t people use apostrophes correctly? And more specifically, why is it so hard to know when to use its and it’s?

Now I know that this is a small problem. Compared to poverty, crime, and running out of Tillamook Utterly Chocolate ice cream, apostrophes don’t even matter. Smart, capable people have trouble with its and it’s—the other day I saw a tweet from Hillary Clinton in which she wrote: “I believe in this country and it’s future.” (If you go look that up, it’s been corrected now.) People I love and respect make apostrophe errors and other errors, and I still love and respect them. In fact, my love and respect for you have nothing to do with whether you use apostrophes correctly.

It just bugs me. After reading thousands of student papers and correcting millions of apostrophes, maybe I just have PTSD.

Thank goodness, auto-correct is getting pretty good at fixing apostrophes. Maybe, some happy day in the future, writing teachers will not even have to worry about apostrophes. Or maybe we will just quit using them.

Until that day, though, we will have “Auntie Beth’s Grammar Songs.”

What’s that, you say? Well, one day I was driving to school with a stack of papers I had just finished grading. Misplaced apostrophes had been rampant in that stack, and I was feeling frustrated. Stopped at the traffic light near McDonald’s on Bulldog Boulevard, I screamed, “I can’t stand to see another its/it’s error!”

Then I had a revelation. I would write a song. A clever, catchy song that would stick in my students’ heads and they would never again use either its or it’s incorrectly.

By the time I pulled into the BYU parking lot, I had the tune and the words. Walking to my office, I polished it, and by the time I met my class I was ready to perform.

Here is the song—now you will never again mistake its for it’s. You’re welcome.

It’s and Its

(To the tune of “Row, Row, your Boat”)

I-T apostrophe S

Always means it is.

I-T-S means ownership

Like their and her and his.

My students loved it. Best of all, I wasn’t screaming anymore. We were all laughing. In the next week or so I made up some more little ditties on other perennial errors. Hence, “Auntie Beth’s Grammar Songbook” was created.

I think this songbook is one of my major contributions to the discipline of college composition. My students loved it. They shared it with friends and former teachers. I had strangers contacting me and asking for permission to use it. I presented the songs in a national composition conference. All the handouts were snatched up, and on my hotel phone were messages asking for copies.

One time, when I was about to teach it’s/its to my students, one of them raised a hand excitedly. “Oooh! My high school teacher had a great song about this!” Yes, it was my song. I was so proud. I had entered the world of folklore.

So here, on my blog, I am offering you the definitive, original, “Auntie Beth’s Songbook,” copied below. Hope you enjoy it.

But remember, I will be your friend even if you don’t use its/it’s correctly. As long as you share your Tillamook Utterly Chocolate ice cream.

PS I know that my blog URL is missing a crucial apostrophe. Love me anyway.

Auntie Beth’s Grammar Songbook

Beth Hedengren, 2010

These little ditties are not a substitute for teaching writing conventions.  They do serve as a brief reinforcement, and (usually much needed) comic relief.  I introduce these a song at a time when the need to teach the concept arises.  Every so often we have a five-minute sing-along to review.  Students tell me the songs stick in their heads, and they can call back the rules when needed.  (My daughter hummed through the “I-T-apostrophe S” song to help her on the ACT.)  Notice that, like all songs, these tend to over-simplify.

 

It’s and Its

(“Row, Row, your Boat”)

I-T apostrophe S

Always means it is.

I-T-S means ownership

Like their and her and his.

Possessives

(“London Bridge”)

If the owner ends in S,

            Ends in S,

            Ends in S,

If the owner ends in S

Just add apostrophe.

If the owner ends not in S,

            Not in S,

            Not in S,

If the owner ends not in S

Add apostrophe S.

(Note: If the owner is a singular noun ending in S, you can add apostrophe S.)

Semicolons

(“Are You Sleeping?”)

Semi-colon, Semi-colon:

Balance act, Balance act.

Main clause in the front-o,

Main clause in the back-o,

Thoughts connect,

Thoughts connect.

Note: Semi-colons can also be used to connect items in a series when the items have internal commas.  Notice though that they still “balance” two grammatically equal items.)

Colons

(“Twinkle, Twinkle”)

Colon, colon, little dots

How I wonder what you’re not:

You direct us to a list,

Or to quotes or appositives.

Colon, colon, little dots,

You tell us to listen up.

 (Note: Colons are also used to show time [8:30], ratios [2:1], subtitles, and salutations. You probably know that.)

A Lot

(“Pop Goes the Weasel”)

A lot means “many”;

It sometimes means “much.”

It’s better not to use it at all,

But if you must

It’s

                   TWO WORDS!

Affect/Effect

(“The More We Get Together”)

Affect is an action

            (A verb)

            An action

Affect is an action

They both start with A.

Effect is a noun

            A noun

            A noun

Effect is a noun

It doesn’t start with A.

(Note: Of course, affect can be a noun, and effect can be a verb, but rarely, in fairly specialized situations.)

Lie/Lay

(“Lullaby and Goodnight”)

Now I lie down to sleep,

Lay my head on my pillow.

Now I know that I lie

‘Cause it means to recline.

I lay down my face

Because lay means to place.

Or to put something down.

Now I think I’ll sleep sound.

But last night, I lay down,

That’s the past tense of lie.

It still means to recline;

It’s confusing but fine.

And my head, that I laid

That still means put or placed.

So in the past lie is lay

And lay is laid.

Commas

(“On Top of Old Smoky”)

Sometimes in a sentence,

We just need to pause.

That’s why we need a comma

After an introductory clause.

(Spoken: A long one that is.)

All punctuation

The reader must serve,

So don’t let those commas

Divide subjects from verbs.

Between things in a series,

A comma should stand.

Don’t forget the last comma

Before the “and.”

When main clauses are linked by

And, but, or, nor, for, or yet

A separating comma,

You cannot forget.

After some interjection,

Or noun of address,

What sets these words off?

A comma, we confess.

If a phrase isn’t needed,

Then let us know that,

Put a comma before it,

As well as in back.

He said, “A comma

Sets off a real quote.”

She said that no comma

Goes with an indirect quote.

Of course, commas are needed

For dates, titles and such.

And for absolute phrases,

Which you may not use much.

So now you know commas,

Those useful little hooks.

You’ll use them with pleasure

In essays, poems, and books.

Note: Of course, many of these guidelines have been simplified. See a handbook for detailed advice.