My Book Club: Women Who Challenge and Inspire Me

I was busy with our five children and teaching, but, still, I was lonely. I wanted women friends that I could share my feelings and experiences with, who would understand me, women who were like me--heck, women who would like me. Of course, I knew women at church and at work, but I didn’t feel a closeness to them at the time, and there seemed to be no space to build personal relationships. 

Around this time, I read a novel titled “And the Ladies of the Club,” by Helen Hoover Santmeyer, about a group of women in a book club that starts in 1868. The book follows their lives through decades as they support and strengthen each other through all the hard and good times of life. After I read the book, I went on a long walk and I prayed, “I want a group of friends like that. I need a group of friends like that.”

I was asked to join a book club not long after, but it kind of fizzled, and I continued to yearn for that group of women I could count on. Then, in fall of 1991, a college friend sent me a note inviting me to join a club she was starting. Debra and I had danced together in BYU Theater Ballet; we had also been in the Honor’s Program together and we had kept in touch since we both were teaching adjunct at BYU. Debra taught dance history while I taught writing. In the note, Debra explained she was getting together a group of her friends who enjoyed reading for monthly book discussions. 

I was thrilled, and eagerly attended our first meeting in October 1991. I remember walking into Debra’s living room and surveying the faces of the fifteen or so women there. I knew only a couple who were there: Claudia and her sister Elizabeth were a few years younger than I, but we had been in the same loose group of friends in college. The others were new to me, but they were friends of Debra, who was kind and intelligent and wise, and I felt certain I would come to like them. 

The next month we met to discuss Madeleine L’Engle’s book, Two-part Invention, a memoir of L’Engle’s marriage. I was further impressed by the group when our hostess, Sidney, illustrated the main motif of the book by performing on the piano a Bach two-part invention. But better than the performance was the discussion: informed, generous, insightful, inclusive, honest. I kind of fell in love with these women before I even had their names straight.

That was twenty-eight years ago, and we are still meeting monthly, ostensibly to discuss books, but mostly to share our lives. We are still the same group. We added a few during the first years, and a few have moved away (including our founder Debra), but mostly it is the same. We haven’t added anyone new in maybe twenty years. There are about twelve that attend regularly now.

Over the years we’ve developed our system, which is adaptable in details, but intractable in overall expectations. We always meet once a month, but the day varies, usually on the third or fourth Wednesday or  maybe Thursday. This is how we plan: As we are beginning to break up our discussion, Claudia gets out her planner and says, “OK, what are we going to do for next month? What book? Whose house?” Claudia is a judge and, bless her, she keeps us organized. 

Then people start suggesting books that might be good to discuss. After a few disappointments, we made the rule that someone in the group must have read the entire book and recommended it or we wouldn’t read it. So, Annette might say, “I’ve just read this book.  I think we would enjoy discussing the family dynamics in it.” Then, someone might say, “Oh, I’ve heard of that. I’ve been wanting to read it.”  Someone else might say, “I’ve been reading this book. Maybe this would be good another month.” We read all genres: fiction, non-fiction, self-help, church books, best sellers, young adult, and really anything that sounds good. Once we decide, Claudia will write in her planner the name and author of the book.

“OK. Now when shall we meet?” Claudia sometimes has to work to keep us on task. We will all get out our calendars and discuss dates. Sometimes one of our number has a night class or is working in Young Women’s and so certain nights are out. We find out who is going on vacation and where. Then we choose the night when most of us can attend.

Next, Claudia will remind us we need a location. Someone, maybe Susan, will say, “You haven’t been to my place for a while. I’d love to have you come.” Susan’s house is duly marked on the approved date in all our planners. And that is done.

When the date marked on our calendars arrives, this is the way most of our meetings go. When we had younger children and busier lives, we were very flexible about starting times. Claudia’s email reminding us of the meeting would say, “Come at 7:30, or whenever you can.” We would start around 7:30, but women would join us at 8, or 9:30 if necessary, if they had a school performance or a church meeting or a family crisis.  Then and now, as people arrive, we always start by asking for personal updates. “How’s that new grandbaby?” “Tell us about your cruise.” “How is work going?”

Eventually, in an hour or so, we start to discuss the book. We don’t have any planned discussion questions, usually. We just start talking. “What did you think about X?” “Were you surprised by Y?” “Have you ever had anything happen to you like Z?” Usually the discussion of the book turns back to our personal lives. “It reminded me of the time this happened to me.” “Have you ever felt like that character?” We are very personal, sharing our experiences and feelings in this loving space where we all feel safe. 

At some point we have dessert, and then we go on talking. The time flies. Eventually someone will say, “I have to get up early tomorrow. I’d better go.” We will look at our watches and see the time is 11:30 or midnight, but still, it is hard to break up. We continue talking as we get our coats on, as we walk to our cars. Sometimes two or three will be talking on the sidewalk as others drive away.

We always meet monthly, but not always for a book discussion. In the fall, we have a sleepover. For decades, this event took place at Elizabeth Farnsworth’s family cabin up Provo Canyon. This was a real cabin, just two rooms on the main floor and a sleeping loft up a very steep flight of stairs. At the sleepover, we don’t sleep much. We eat a potluck dinner, and we talk. Then we sit in the living room and talk. Around 2 in the morning we decide we should go to bed, so we continue to talk as we get our jammies on and wait to use the one bathroom. Then we get into bed and continue to talk in whispers to whoever is in the bed closest to us. It’s the best. In the morning, we eat breakfast and continue to talk until finally we admit we have to get back to real life.

In December we have a Christmas party and let our husbands join us. The party is pretty predictable. We all bring the same things each year: Claudia brings potato casserole, Delys brings the drinks, Susan makes wonderful vegetables, and I always bring my Fennel-Pomegranate Salad. After dinner we gather in a circle to exchange wrapped books. Some are seriously good books and others are just seriously funny. The year that Diane was studying for the GRE (Graduate school admission exam), she wrapped up the GRE study guide. We go around the circle. Each person can either choose a wrapped gift from the pile, or they can steal an already unwrapped gift from someone else. Great hilarity ensues! After the gifts comes music. We have some excellent musicians in the group, so we used to sing carols around the piano. But some of us are not so great at singing, so now we play carols on little handbells. We are getting better at it each year.

Together we have seen each other through much. Women in our group have divorced, remarried, faced serious disease, suffered the deaths of children, served church missions, dealt with mental illness in their families, cared for aging parents, married off children, buried parents, and welcomed grandchildren. Through it all we have been there for each other, a solid comfort-- predictable, loving, accepting. 

When Dianne learned, after helping one son through a heart transplant, that another son had leukemia, she came to Book Club and told us. Then she said, “I think I need a hug from each of you.” She walked solemnly around the circle of chairs, embracing each of us in turn: a ceremony of love and support. 

I have learned much from these wise women: to wait, letting those we love return when they are able; to “just put on my [metaphorical] raincoat” and let criticism wash over me; to be constant in faith while charitable of questions; to continue to serve even when suffering, to listen, to learn, to accept, to love. I have become a better person because I have spent an evening every month sharing their lives and hearts.

Amy Poeler has said, “All I can tell you today is what I have learned. And that is this: you can’t do it alone. . . Find a group of people who challenge and inspire you, spend a lot of time with them, and it will change your life.”  

Almost thirty years ago, I prayed for a group of women friends like the ones I read about in a book. My prayer was granted. I have found wonderful women who challenge and inspire me, I get to spend a lot of time with them, and it has changed my life.