Sadly, This is Not the Barbie Movie We Expected

 

Last night I dressed in pink and joined a happy crowd to view the new Barbie movie. A friend had rented a theater which we filled with friends and family all dressed in Barbie fashion and excited for the experience. The women wore pink and sparkles and high heels. One of the men had a Ken t-shirt that gave him the perfect Ken abs. We squealed as the lights went down and the movie began. Thanks to some great marketing, we were all expecting a couple of hours of light entertainment, an homage to our beloved Barbie dolls, something to leave us smiling.

 

But strangely, the movie began in a barren grey wasteland, where morose little girls played gloomily with baby dolls. The voiceover explained that pretending to be mommy “wasn’t much fun; just ask your mother.” Then a giant Barbie appears on the scene, smiling cheerfully, and the little girls gleefully and violently smash all the babies.

 

I sat in the dark, my own smile frozen on my face. I wanted to like this movie. I loved my Barbie as a child. But I also love babies.  Somehow this is not what I expected. 

 

What I expected was a fun romp, maybe like that film Enchanted where the princess is transported from fairytale land to the real world and, through a series of hilarious experiences, eventually influences the real world for good because of her innocence, but also learns to truly love because true love is real. 

 

But no. This is not what we get in Barbie the Movie. 

 

Let me first say I liked the set design and costumes. The look of Barbieland is pink and plastic and perfect. The details are great:  Barbie showering without water because of course there is no plumbing in the plastic Barbie house; Barbie pouring pretend milk from the carton and pretend drinking; Barbie walking on the plastic water in the pool and driving the pink plastic convertible with no engine. I loved the way the dream houses lack walls, so all the Barbies can wave to each other from their bedrooms and the way the Barbie ambulance unfolds. This visual Barbie world was great.

 

But here is what I don’t like, and why I am going to suggest maybe you don’t want to take your little girl to this movie. The audience for this movie is not little girls who love their Barbie dolls. It is not even moms who remember loving their Barbie dolls. I don’t even know who the audience is--what comes to mind is angry, vengeful, disappointed feminists. 

 

First, that PG13 rating is earned. There is lots of sexually explicit jokes and language. 

 

Also, the plot has more holes than my Barbie’s lace dress. The whole premise hinges on the way the child playing with Barbie influences how Barbie acts in Barbie World. But that can’t be true, because, though children are all different, all the Barbies act the same. Later, Barbie goes to the real world where she accomplishes exactly nothing before heading back to Barbie Land, toting along two real people, also for no good reason. Barbie and Ken are arrested twice, but somehow are set free without any consequences. Throughout the movie, things happen, but rarely is there any credible motivation. The plot feels like it was a result of a drunken brainstorming session where people kept saying, “Wouldn’t it be funny if. . . .“ Then  they laughed uproariously at their own jokes and put them all in script whether they made sense in the story or not.

 

But my biggest beef with the movie is the didactic theme, which is beaten into us at every turn, from those smashed babies at the beginning to the very strange ending. Life is not about learning to work together with respect, self-sacrifice, and caring. Life is a war with the opposite sex, one you better fight ruthlessly if you want to come out on top. 

 

From the beginning, Barbie is smiling and cheerful, but totally selfish. All she cares about is having her best day ever, every day. Ken looks longingly at Barbie, hoping for some connection. He tries to impress her by running into the plastic surf, only to look ridiculous and get hurt, needing to be treated by the Barbie doctors in the pink plastic Barbie ambulance.

 

In Barbie Land, the Barbies run the world, and the Kens are only another accessory to the Barbies. The Barbies have dream houses, but nobody knows where the Kens live. After the party, all the Kens disappear, who knows where. 

 

When Barbie and Ken do arrive in the real world, someone asks Ken the time, and suddenly he realizes that men can be valued and respected. It’s OK to like guy things. 

 

Here’s where I was hoping that at last Barbie and Ken could team up—work together to solve their problem, each contributing their own talents and skills. But no. 

 

In this movie men—from the Kens to the Mattell CEO and Board to the poor husband of the real mom-- are always foolish and silly. The women are sarcastic, angry, depressed victims or cheerful but selfish overlords. 

 

The women trick the men. The men subjugate the women. The two genders are forever to be separate and unhappy. The ending seems to encourage the segregation of the sexes and the value of just being ordinary.

 

I wanted to like this movie. I really did. I tried. 

 

After watching the movie our whole crowd trooped out to the foyer for a group photo—all pink and smiling. Even afterward. We wanted to like the movie.

 

But no. If you believe that both women and men have value and deserve respect, if you believe that a man and woman can be happy together, if you believe that striving for understanding each other is a valuable pursuit—this movie is not for you.

 

And don’t take your children to this movie. The PG13 rating is real. The jokes are definitely adult. They may go over your child’s head, but the way men and women treat each other in this film will not. 

 

Sorry.