Fiery Dragons and Good Men

It's Father’s Day, and I am thinking of men—of all the good they do and can do and of the ways that being a man is becoming harder lately. 

What? You may say. Aren’t men the oppressors, the abusers, the guardians of the glass ceiling, the source of that poison called male toxicity? 

This attitude is on display in a couple of novels I read recently, both set in the 50s and written by women who never lived the 50s. In Chemistry Lessons by Bonnie Garmus, the protagonist is raped by her thesis advisor, and when she reports this, she is kicked out of her doctoral program--and evidently this behavior is common, for it happens two or three times more in the book. When Women Were Dragons by Kelly Barnhill, a fantasy novel, takes this resentment of men to what may seem the natural next step. Women who are abused by the men in their lives turn into dragons, eat their abusers, and fly off in fire, fury, and power. 

It is true that some men have been abusive and violent and selfish and toxic. It’s true that some men, sometimes even with good intentions, kept women within narrowly prescribed boundaries. But not all men are rapists. All men do not deserve a fiery death. In my career, men encouraged and guided me. My father, my husband, my sons, and almost all men I have had contact with have been kind, respectful, and supportive. 

In fact, it seems to me that most men have supported and helped others in their lives. I’m talking of the millions of good men who have protected and provided for others from the beginning of men and women--from the cave men who risked their lives hunting mammoths to feed their village to the modern dad who works to provide for his family every day—maybe at a job he doesn’t particularly love—and then comes home to help with dinner, change the baby, play ball with the kids, and then deal with bedtime routines.

Most men, the vast majority, are like all of humanity, just trying to figure out how to live a good life. Most men do so with a desire to help others and especially their families. Most men are willing to use their particular skills to help with everything from opening jars and carrying heavy boxes to figuring out what’s wrong with the vacuum cleaner or the car. 

But, somehow, in the last decades, many men are losing their way. As women’s opportunities have increased, many men have lost ground. Here are some stats from a recent book by Richard Reeves, Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male Is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do about It. In 1972, 13% more men graduated from college; today more women graduate by 15%. Male employment has dropped by 7% in the last 50 years, especially among young men. Among men with only a high school diploma, a third are out of the workforce. Since 1983, men’s wages have dropped by 10% while women’s earnings have risen 33%. 

But most disturbing of all, male “deaths of despair” (suicides, drug overdoses, and alcohol-related illnesses) are about three times that of women. 

What can be done to support boys and men, while at the same time helping women? Is success a zero-sum game, where if women are to succeed, men must fail? Now obviously, this is a complicated question and I'm not going to answer it in a 800-word blog post, but here are a couple of thoughts.

Reeves has ideas, ranging from boys starting school later than girls (because their brains mature more slowly) to encouraging men to work in traditionally female fields such as nursing and education. 

But I think the place to start is letting boys and men know that we appreciate them and respect their talents and skills and efforts. 

Last year about this time, my husband and I took our young grandchildren on an outing and afterwards stopped to get ice cream. While everyone was enjoying huge bowls of rocky road and strawberry cream, a thunderstorm came up, deluging the area with rain. The children gathered at the glass door to watch the torrents of water streaming from the sky, then they squealed as the torrents streamed in under the door. The employees got buckets and mops while the rain poured and we watched in fascination. Finally, the rain stopped, as suddenly as it had begun. When we opened the door, we found the parking lot had become a shallow, filthy lake.

My 75-year-old good husband took control. “I’ll get the Expedition and bring it to the door.” Then he sloshed through dirty water up to his calves, got the car, and sloshed out again to help carry the little ones in. His instinct and his desire were to protect us. He is a good man.

 

I’m grateful for good men, for their muscles and their support. For moving furniture and digging the garden. For giving advice and putting together the Christmas toys. For making corny jokes and for wanting to keep others safe.

 

Men are not the enemy. As women obtain more opportunities, men do not have to decrease in importance. We, men and women, are partners. We work together. 

 

And there are a lot of good men out there. Let’s remember them and celebrate them this Father’s Day and always.