What's Your Favorite?

I’ve been reading a book on getting old[1] and a chapter on how to be a fantastic grandparent inspired me to up my game in that category. The perfect opportunity presented itself this last week when Paul and I got to take care of each family of grandchildren in their own homes: Olin and Anders in Cupertino; Henry, Lizzie, and Ellie in Fairfield, CA; and then Sam and Eden here in Utah.

The authors suggest getting to know your grandchildren by asking them individually some questions. I wasn’t as thorough as they were, but I did ask every one of the children roughly the same question over the last week—“What is your favorite thing?” Or “What is your favorite thing to do?”

I asked 7-year-old Olin as he munched Lucky Charms before school. He didn’t even hesitate: “My Ipad!”

“Why?” I asked.

“Because it teaches me things!”

Anders, 15-months-old, did not respond. But clearly his favorites are his mommy and his daddy—and going down the slide.

Sorry I don't have a better photo of good-looking Lizzie, Henry, and Ellie. 

Later, in Fairfield, I got to spend an afternoon with Lizzie (7) and Ellie (4) while their mom attended a planning meeting for church. Lizzie first said, “Playing the violin.” Later on, when I asked what makes her happiest, she cried out , “Going to Scandia! There is mini-golf and go-carts and arcades!”

Ellie said “Playing with Lizzie!”

I didn’t get to tend 11-year-old Henry, but I did sit next to him at his desk after dinner and asked my question. He responded immediately and matter-of-factly “My computer.” Then he toggled from the Minecraft game he was playing to a page filled with bewildering symbols, “Because of what I can do with it.” He showed me he was currently writing code to create his own Minecraft world. 

Back in Utah, Sam (13) and Eden (9) wanted a little clarification first, but also responded quickly. Sam likes playing games with his friends in the cul-de-sac: Zombie tag, refrigerator tag, nerf gun wars.  Eden said she couldn’t choose just one, but listed off a long list jumping on the trampoline, playing tag, singing, and roller skating.

The whole question thing was really a lot of fun and I learned from each individual response, learned to appreciate the individuality, the personhood, of each of my grandchildren. I was also struck by how immediately each child responded. Each one knew what was fun for them and had no doubt what it was.

In contrast, I asked a friend, a busy mom, recently what was her favoriteactivity. She said she couldn’t remember.  And didn’t know.

I remember having that same response as a young mom, and feeling a profound loss of identity as I admitted it. Favorites define our identity: favorite foods, favorite colors, favorite books and movies, favorite activities. Children know this and that is why one of their favorite get-to-know-you questions is “What’s your favorite color?”

What happens when we no longer know our own favorites? When our favorite foods become “Anything I didn’t cook” and our favorite activity is “Getting to sleep at night.”  When we spend an hour a day on Facebook[2] , but think we don’t have time for anything fun.

I wonder if we lose track of our very selves if we lose track of what we like. So, I’m going to try to reclaim my own favorites: the color turquoise, Café Rio salads, hot chocolate, root beer floats, reading next to a warm fire or out in the hammock (depending on the weather), learning things in a class, teaching, making music, writing, walking in nature, taking road trips, talking to my children, visiting with good friends.

And now I am going to go enjoy those things. I think I’ll start by playing the piano.

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[1] Life in Full: Maximize Your Longevity and Legacy, by Richard and Linda Eyre

[2] Did you know your phone tracks the time you spend in your aps? I checked mine the other day and was kind of appalled.