Lessons from Lockdown

 

Just about one year ago our lives all changed, as school, church, and nearly all social interaction were canceled in fear of a deadly pandemic. Recently I had the opportunity to write about that experience for my neighborhood congregation of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the Mormons). 

I decided to share this little essay, here on this blog, because maybe as you read it you will think about the experiences shared by your own communities. Maybe you will recognize, as I have, the many lessons we have learned together during this extraordinary year..

 

For one thing, we learned we can be unified even when we are forced to be apart. In the early weeks of the pandemic lock down, our neighborhood was eerily quiet, as even children stayed indoors. Yet we found ways to show that we cared for each other. Funny jokes were posted on the telephone poles, and a daily neighborhood poll was posted on one neighbor’s front door (with colored pebbles to record our responses). The sidewalks blossomed with hopscotch challenges, pictures, and inspiring quotes. Some front yards held chairs spaced six feet apart, so that neighbors could stop and chat safely. When Bryce Orton, because of the pandemic, was forced to return home from Colombia where he was teaching others about our faith, we held a  parade of decorated cars to welcome him.  Instead of a Primary party for the children, we were treated to a gallery of the children’s artwork, posted all around the church yard. Instead of a Christmas party, the church parking lot became ancient Palestine as ward families portrayed scenes from the birth of Christ. Car by car, we all drove past, listening to that sweet story and, though in separate cars, feeling unified by the Spirit of that season. 

 

We have learned how to go through hard stuff and become better. Children have been home all day, with no friends, and no school to give parents a break. And on top of that, we’ve had to help the children try to keep up with school on-line. We’ve had to work from home; some of us have lost jobs. Some of us have been very sick with Covid-19, even hospitalized. When some were very sick and dying, we were not able to visit them in the hospital or care center to comfort them. When some of our dear friends and neighbors passed away, we missed having the chance to mourn communally at a funeral service. And yet, with each hard experience, we have learned. We learned how to work together as a family, we learned to manage on-line school, we learned how to support from a distance those who were ill, we learned how to mourn without a funeral lunch. We learned to pray and rely on God. We learned to handle the challenges with faith and grace. 

 

Through it all, we learned that, even if we can’t go to church, we can worship and draw closer to God. We were thankful for the Church-wide “Come Follow Me Program,” instituted just before the pandemic hit, which provided materials for our personal and family gospel study. Perhaps before Covid, we were more comfortable sharing spiritual experiences formally in a testimony meeting or a Sunday School class. But during Covid-times, we found that we were sharing our gospel insights more naturally and more often with those in our homes.  I have loved hearing many of you tell of the sweet spirit you have felt in your homes as you have studied together. I have certainly felt that spirit. Some of us used Zoom to hold gospel study meetings with distant extended family, meetings that I imagine will go on even after the pandemic lockdown is lifted. The blessing and power of the priesthood became even more real to us as we watched our husbands and sons prepare and bless the sacrament [Communion] each week in our own living rooms. Together, we joined in a Church-wide fast, praying for the pandemic to be alleviated. Together, we shared on social media the many things we are grateful for. And, as we faced the challenges of the pandemic each day, we felt the real need for the grace offered us by our Savior’s atoning sacrifice. 

 

There is no doubt that the last year has been hard. A year ago, we never would have believed all that would happen. But it has happened, and we have survived. We have not only survived, but in some ways we have even thrived. I feel I am a better person now than I was a year ago, and I imagine many of you feel the same. As President Russell M. Nelson [the president of our Church] taught us last October, “Unusual times can bring unusual rewards.” May we all bring the lessons we have learned into whatever the future holds. 

 

Why I Like Facebook and Hope You Will Too

 

 

Today one of my Facebook friends posted that she was going to leave social media. She is not the first. Many of my friends are doing this, and my Facebook feed is getting sparser because of it.

 

I get it. These days there can be a lot of Nasty on social media. Feelings are running high, and sometimes posts and replies can be harsh.

 

I also understand that many fear the power of the Facebook company, with its various algorithms and such. Or there might be legitimate privacy concerns, such as those my niece has because her husband is an FBI agent.

 

But I like Facebook for many reasons—most of which will disappear if my friends give it up. So, here is my plea.

 

Please stay on Facebook and keep posting cute photos of your kids’ Halloween costumes. Many of you live far away and this is the only way I can see how those kids are growing and changing. And these days, I don’t even get to see the neighborhood kids unless you post their photos on Facebook.

 

Please stay on Facebook and share your joys. I love seeing your remodeled kitchen, hearing about your new job, and learning about what you cooked for dinner. In the midst of Covid-quarantine, I learned that a neighbor in the next block had a new baby. I hadn’t even known she was pregnant! What a joy to be able to share happiness with those I don’t see often. 

 

Please stay on Facebook and share your trials. One Facebook friend posted regularly during the weeks and months of her father’s last illness. Through her candor, I was able to share in this loving journey, and remember my own father’s death. I came to love her more, understand myself better, and appreciate all we share as humans. 

 

Just recently another Facebook friend shared her daughter’s serious illness. I wouldn’t know about this without Facebook, but now I do, and now I can add my prayers to hers.

 

Please stay on Facebook and share funny pet videos, memes, and jokes. I love to laugh with you even though we are far apart.

 

Please stay on Facebook and share your uplifting thoughts. Often the quote or scripture or video is just what I need.

 

And absolutely continue sharing your adventures, hikes, vacations, and the beauties you find. I love vicarious traveling!

 

Please stay on Facebook and participate in the special FB groups. Our neighborhood Facebook group is such a great way to share stuff. I love cleaning out a closet, finding something good I don’t need, posting about it, and sending it to a new home where I know it will be appreciated. I love getting free stuff too. Last spring, not long after my daughter and her family came to stay with us for Covid, someone posted they had a child’s kitchen to give away. I snagged it and little Lucia has been happily playing with it for months.

 

I also love the Provo Facebook group where I learn about what’s going on in the city, and about issues facing our community. I love hearing the different perspectives and then making my own decisions. 

 

Which leads me to my last point, which surprises even me. Please stay on Facebook and keep sharing your opinions. I know this is the very reason that people are quitting Facebook. 

Okay, just give me a minute here to explain. 

 

Among my Facebook friends are people with very diverse viewpoints. There are ultra- conservative folks and ultra-liberal, as well as lots of people more in the middle but trending one way or another. I often don’t agree with what people say in their political posts, but I like all the people I have chosen to add to my Facebook. Because I like them, I give them a chance, and I try to understand what is behind their posts. Even though their posts may not persuade me, I think they provide me with a broader understanding of the make-up of our country on this election eve.

 

That said, personal attacks and angry exchanges are not what I look for on Facebook, and I try not to read those. Certainly, they are not to be engaged with.

 

Also, though I enjoy seeing links to news articles that back up friends’ opinions, I do not rely on those links as my sole source of information. I believe in getting my news from professional news organizations, not from Facebook. In fact, I try to read several different news reports from a variety of sources with different political leanings. That way, in the aggregate, I get a more balanced view of what is actually going on. I depend on Facebook to connect me with people, not as a way to gather facts.

 

That is why I am making this plea. I rely on Facebook to connect me with you. And you. And you and you and you. Facebook helps me to see the world--not as monolithic parties, coalitions, or blocs--but as a collection of faces, of individuals, each one with joys, fears and opinions. It helps me know that the conservative is a person. That the liberal is one too. That maybe we can learn from each other and become a little better because of what we learn.

 

So please, stay on Facebook. I believe Facebook has the potential to help us become a community, a place where we can learn from each other, help each other, pray for each other, and lift each other. I believe, used well, Facebook can provide us with the personal connection that can heal our neighborhoods and our country.

 

And now, whatever happens on Election Day, that is what we need. 

 

 

In Praise of Print Newspapers

 

I started today as I do most every day: padding out to the driveway in my jammies and socks to grab the newspapers. Yes, that is plural. We subscribe to print versions of both our local paper, The Daily Herald (“Utah Valley’s Source for Local News”), and a national paper, The Wall Street Journal. We used to also subscribe to the print New York Times, but it was really hard to find time to read all three, and I eventually cut out the one that seemed to be the last one read. Now I read the Times online. 

 

Once I get the papers, I slide them out of their little plastic casings, spread them out on the kitchen island, and get ready for breakfast. As I eat my eggs and yogurt, I page through each paper. Starting with the local paper, I read about the latest doings of the city council, the local high school sports, the latest from the school boards, the startling stories on crimes in our quiet town, and the reports on neighborhood businesses and service organizations. I scan the obituaries to see if anyone I know is there, and I check out the opinion page for commentary on what’s going on in the area.

 

 I always finish by reading the comics page. It’s a good day when they provide a chuckle, a great day when a strip makes me laugh out loud and want to share it with my husband. 

 

Then, I move on to the Journal: reading the stories on the front page, paging through the A section to learn in more detail about the “Breaking News” stories that have shown up in headline form on my phone already. Sometimes the reading of the Journal in detail has to wait until lunch, or another lull in the day, but I always read it. I especially enjoy reading the opinion page, which gives me new perspectives and insights on the news of the day. 

 

Then the rest of day I find myself saying to those around me, “Did you see the piece in the Herald about. . .?” or “There was an article in the Journal that really started me thinking.”

 

It’s a lovely routine for me. I’m not sure I can eat breakfast without a paper spread out before me. I’m not sure I can make sense of the world around me without the papers to provide information and commentary.

 

This morning, though, as I turned the pages of the local Daily Herald, I received a nasty shock. There, at the top of A4, was a terrifying headline: “Both SLC [Salt Lake City] newspapers to cease daily publication.” TheDeseret News and the Salt Lake Tribune have been publishing the news since the early days of the Utah Territory, long before Utah became a state. They have balanced news reporting for the state, the Deseret News being the more conservative paper and the Tribune the more liberal. What will happen without them?

 

Of course, the papers are not gone forever. The two papers will still be reporting the news, only in a digital format. They will also still publish a print paper once a week. I suppose this is an inevitable move. Once newspapers were supported by business advertising and the classified section; now that has all moved online. Subscriptions can only pay for so much of the cost, especially since fewer and fewer people are subscribing to print papers. 

 

It is so easy to get your news on your phone, in those “breaking news” alerts, or even on Facebook or Twitter. Recently I filled out a survey with a question on how I received my news. The choices were TV News, Facebook, Friends, or Twitter. I had to admit my print newspaper addiction under the “Other” category.

 

Losing print newspapers is a loss, though. Here are a few reasons that come to mind

 

1.     Depth of reporting. The news reports I find attached to friends’ Facebook posts or coming across my phone as an alert are generally pretty sparse, not much more than a headline. I don’t see the depth or analysis I find in the print paper. Often the references to the news found in friends’ Facebook feeds tend to be sensational and biased. 

 

2.     Competing digital distractions. When I read news on my phone, even if it is the same story found in the print version of the publication, I skim through it pretty quickly. There is so much more to be found on my phone that I tend to move on pretty quickly to other available stuff: friends’ vacation photos, funny memes, cat videos. Though I suppose it is possible, it seems harder to read seriously when reading news on my phone.

 

3.     The serendipity effect. When I read the news online, I often go looking for something. I know what I want to find out about (the latest debate, the stock market news, what’s happening in the middle east, the latest Covid numbers

), and thanks to efficient search engines, I can find what I want in seconds. I read the article I’m interested in and that is that. When I read the paper, I turn page by page, scanning all the headlines. Often, I find something interesting that I didn’t even know was a thing. I am broadened by information I didn’t even know I needed or wanted to know. 

 

I suppose we will get used to the change. If the Daily Herald and the Wall Street Journal ever cease their print publications, I suppose I will get used to eating my eggs while reading the news on my phone.

 

 I just hope those digital venues will also include a comics section.

 

 

A Covid-19 Family Quarentine

So here's what I think about the Covid-19 quarantine: I don't know. Here are a few thoughts.

On the one hand:

Eek! It’s a world-wide plague! We are all going to die!

On the other hand:

What an overreaction! It’s another disease and some people will die from it, but, come on, we are all going to die sometime. 

And then on yet another hand (foot?):

The economy is going to implode. All businesses are going to be destroyed except Amazon and Netflix! We will be functioning like hunter/gatherers before the year is out.

And then on that other hand:

Everything will get back to normal soon. We’ll be OK. Right?

So, probably like a lot of you, I’m feeling pretty conflicted. And I don’t feel at all qualified to comment on any of the above.

But here is something I am sure of. I love this one side-effect of the quarantine. I love living in a multi-generational home.

I am not quarantining alone, as many of my friends are. Because of a variety of circumstances too complicated to go into here, I am co-quarantining with about fourteen of my immediate family. Before you begin to worry about us, we are pretty careful. Only one of us goes to the store, wearing a mask. We don’t hang out with anyone else, just us. 

We have living with us (or with us every day) for the past eight weeks or so our adult son and his two little boys, our adult daughter and her husband and baby, and our two teenaged grandchildren. Add to this my three children who live nearby and their families, who come in and out frequently, and the result is we have been together as a family, closer and longer, than we have since the kids started getting married.

And I love it.

I love waking up to the sound of piping little-boy voices asking for breakfast. I love Mary walking in the door with toddler Lucia, who runs to my arms saying “Gamma, ‘side?” And then we go outside.  I love helping the little boys with their schoolwork and getting to know Olin’s teacher and learning how to make a catapult out of popsicle sticks. 

I love having David come down for lunch and tell me about the people he works with and his challenges and successes. I love seeing Mary in the dining room working on grading papers and hearing her talk about her students. I love seeing David and Mary and Krystian take care of their little ones with such patience.  I am getting to know my adult children all over again, as I see them every day, all day. 

I love having the teenaged grandchildren around, seeing their diligence in doing their schoolwork, seeing their delight in helping the little cousins, laughing and playing games with them.

I love having help nearby when my computer doesn’t work. We finally got the TV and sound system working right, because of all the tech-savvy folks around. 

I love that Mary can drop off her child and say, “I’m going for a run.” It is such great symbiosis: I love having the baby with me and she loves having a break. 

I love that we are together all day. We can read a scripture in the morning, like this recent choice: “You will teach your children to love one another and to serve one another.” And then we can talk about it through the day—when loving and serving gets a little tricky. 

I love seeing my table full of my loved ones at every meal. I love how everyone pitches in to cook and to clean up. 

I love seeing the adults talking together, advising one another, laughing together. I love seeing the teenagers learning from their aunts and uncles.

I love worshipping together on Sundays. Even though we can’t gather with our congregation, because our church has a lay ministry, we can take the Sacrament (Communion) every week in our own living room. I love seeing my sons and sons-in-law blessing and passing the Sacrament. I love playing the piano as we sing the hymns. I love hearing everyone share what they have learned from their scripture study that week. 

As we move toward lifting the quarantine, I am of course happy. I’m happy that many lives have been saved, happy that businesses can resume business, happy to look forward to seeing friends and going to the mall without fear.  But I am also a little sad. How I will miss this time. How I wish we could remain in such closeness. 

A couple of generations ago, my ancestors all lived within a few blocks of one another in the small town of Spanish Fork. My great-grandfather would go out every morning with a basket on his arm to visit every one of his children, to bring them whatever he had to share that day. When my mother was a child, every day before school she and her sister would run next door to their aunt’s house to have their hair braided, because Aunt Edna could do it better than their mom. When my grandmother was widowed, her mom was able to tend the children so she could go to work.

Though I know it is often impossible and sometimes even not advisable, right now Covid-19 has reminded me how good it can be when family are near enough that they can help each other, not just in crisis but in everyday, ordinary, without-even-thinking-of-it-circumstances.  Just because we are family and we love each other.

Considering Mary Magdalene at Easter in a Time of Pandemic

This Easter morning, in the midst of world-wide pandemic and quarantine, I want to think about Mary Magdalene. What do we know about this woman who was the first to see the Risen Lord? What can we learn from her?

We first meet this Mary in the gospel of Luke, the first three verses of chapter 8. 

1 And it came to pass afterward, that he went throughout every ^acity and village, preaching and shewing the glad ^btidings of the kingdom of God: ^cand the twelve were with him,

2 And certain women, which had been healed of evil spirits and infirmities, ^aMary called Magdalene, out of whom went seven devils,

3 And Joanna the wife of Chuza Herod’s steward, and Susanna, and many others, which ministered unto him of their substance.

From this brief, almost incidental, mention we can learn much. Mary came from the town of Magdala, on the shore of the Sea of Galilee, just 3 miles north of the city of Tiberias, from which the Roman governor ruled. She may have been a woman of some wealth, for she ministered to Christ of her “substance.”

But she was greatly troubled, possessed of seven evil spirits. The number seven indicates completeness, so she was just about as bad off as you can get. She came to the Savior for relief, and he healed her. We are not given a scene of her healing, but just this glimpse. We can only imagine the joyful change in her. 

And, in gratitude, Mary followed the Savior, ministering to Him as He had ministered to her, giving to him what she had to give: service, food, funds. She evidently followed him to Jerusalem, along with the Savior’s mother Mary and other women disciples. Jesus left Galilee in the fall, months before the Passover of his death. She was likely with him that whole time, seeing to His needs, cooking, washing, providing cash. 

She probably witnessed the raising of Lazarus, the triumphal entry into Jerusalem, the teaching in the temple.

And Mary of Magdala was surely with Him at His death. In Mark we read, 

“There were also women looking on afar off: among whom was Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James the less and of Joses, and Salome.”

While other disciples may have hidden in fear, Mary Magdalene, along with Jesus’s mother Mary and other women, were there at the Crucifixion site, suffering along with Jesus, trying to minister to him even in that extreme moment. It is painful, humiliating, and perhaps dangerous, but Mary will not leave her Healer (see Mark 15:40).

She even follows Nicodemus and Joseph of Arimathea, watching as they take the body from the cross and prepare it for hasty burial. They see the body placed in the tomb and mark the location, for later on, they want to come and minister to their Lord for what they think, sorrowing, will be the last time. Being witnesses of the burial is important because if there is no burial, there will be no significance to the empty tomb. After the men have left, Mary, along with other women, stays: “And there was Mary Magdalene, and the other Mary, sitting over against the sepulchre.” (Matthew 27: 61). I can imagine the Marys there, leaning against the cold stone, weeping. 

Then, after waiting and mourning through a long Sabbath day, Mary comes back as soon as possible, at first light on the first day of the week, with the other women, prepared with spices and linens to prepare the body themselves, not trusting the men to have done it right, or perhaps just wanting to do it themselves. 

Then the great surprise: the tomb is empty. Mary and the other women do not assume that Christ has risen; they assume that enemies have taken the body and hidden it. They weep that they have not been able to handle the beloved body one last time. Mary, though she believes in the divinity of Christ, does not even begin to think that he could live again.

When Mary runs to tell the apostles of the empty tomb, it is a tale of theft:“They have taken away the ^bLord out of the sepulchre, and we know not where they have laid him.” (John 20: 2)

Mary returns with Peter and John to show them the empty tomb, but after they leave, she stays weeping in the garden, bereft and hopeless. She has known of Christ’s power, she has followed him, she has sacrificed for him, and now, it seems it is all over. She cannot even anoint his dead body.

Then she sees a man. Through her blurred, tear-filled vision, she turns to him, assuming he is a laborer, someone who cares for the garden. An accomplished woman, Mary asks politely, “Sir, if thou have borne him hence, tell me where thou hast laid him, and I will take him away.” (John 20:15)

The Man turns and says simply, “Mary.” In that word, in that greeting, she knows. It is her living Lord, her friend, her deliverer. 

And suddenly she knows this is not the end but the beginning.

Now, what do we learn? What can we learn from Mary of Magdala in this time of quarantine and worry?

Just this. When we are brought low, possessed of seven devils, completely overwhelmed, we can be healed. At this time of fear, faced with “seven devils”—Overwhelmed by sickness, loneliness, despair; beat down by loss of income, routine, and peace--We can, like Mary, turn to God and find serenity and healing.

Though our gifts may be small compared to Christ’s, they matter. We can minister to Him of our “substance” as Mary did. Even as we worry about the future, we can reach out in small (socially distant) ways to serve. 

And, most of all, we can stay by the Savior’s side, even when times are hard, never giving up even in the darkest times. When we are in tears, crying, thinking all is lost, we can look up and hear the Savior call our name. He is there, alive, and He loves us.

 **Painting by James Johnson, found in the June 2019 Ensign.

Coronavirus, Panic, and the Flu

Last week I had the flu.

Not coronavirus. Just the flu. The I-have-a-fever-and-I-want-to-sleep-all-day-but-I-ache-all-over-and-I-can’t-stop-coughing flu. It was not fun. We had to cancel a long-anticipated trip to visit my daughter’s family in Texas. I stayed in bed for most of the week. My husband took over meals and dishes and now I keep finding utensils in different locations in the kitchen. My daughter called and offered to FaceTime me so I could see my darling 18-month-old granddaughter. I replied, “But then I would have to open my eyes.”

It was not fun. But I never doubted I would recover (well, maybe a little, that first day). I knew it was just the flu, and in a week or so I would be back to normal. Flu happens.

But suddenly now there is this new illness, coronavirus, which is putting the whole world into panic mode. It seems half of China is in quarantine, as well as much of Italy. Borders are closed. Baseball games are playing to empty stadiums. Stock markets around the world are crashing. People are hoarding bottled water and toilet paper as though they expect a hurricane. The Tokyo Summer Olympics may be cancelled. The NBA is telling players not to share “high-fives” with fans. 

But really, what do we know about this new flu? One of the tricky things about it is that for most people it is not a bad illness, not even bad enough to keep you in bed. That is, of course, one reason it spreads so quickly. The carriers don’t even know they could be spreading illness. That is also why it’s hard to pin down the mortality rate. When we are not sure how many people have the disease it’s hard to say what percentage of those who get the illness will die from it. 

Reports of mortality rate that I have seen vary from 4% to .1%. That’s a big distinction. Part of the challenge in figuring the mortality is that we don’t know the total number of infected people to compare with the number of deaths. And the reason we don’t know is that many, maybe most, of those infected have very mild symptoms, so mild they may not even know they are sick. The data from the cruise ship Diamond Princess illustrates this: Of the 3,711 on board, at least 705 tested positive. Of those, more than half had no symptoms. Six deaths occurred, which is a fatality rate of .85T. (See Slate.com “Covid-19 Isn’t as Deadly as We Think”). It’s important to note that all who died were over 70 years old. 

The coronavirus is of course a danger, but should we really be as panicked as we seem to be? Why are we so scared? The answer can probably be found in the “Power of Bad.” We are prone to respond to danger more than to safety, to notice the problem not the status quo. This was a good thing when we needed to run from a saber-tooth tiger and a bad thing when we start dumping all our stocks in response to what may be passing crisis. (See my recent blog post “Things Are Probably Not as Bad as You Think They Are”; Also the book The Power of Bad: How the Negativity Effect Rules Us and How We Can Rule It by John Tierney and Roy F. Baumiester).

This is not to say that we need not be careful. Quarantines and other safeguards are probably a good idea. We need to be especially vigilant in protecting older folks. And, as we are told over and over again, let’s wash our hands carefully and stop touching our faces. (Have you been surprised as I have just how long 20 seconds is? That ABC song seems to go on forever! Also, have you noticed how much you touch your face? I feel like I do it all the time, now that I’m noticing.) 

Let’s be wise. Let’s be prudent.

But let’s not panic. Keep calm and wash your hands. 

Is Family Obsolete?

David Brooks recently published an article in The Atlantic, “The Nuclear Family Was a Mistake.” He points out the extended family model was common for hundreds of years,  multiple generations living and working together, with an economic necessity to be unified. In the mid-20^th century, that model shifted to the nuclear family—a father, a mother, and their children living separately. Now we are seeing a decline of the nuclear family, more single parents, unmarried couples, and more people just living on their own.  Brooks contends that the nuclear family is obsolete, that now, instead, we rely on “forged families’ –groups of people who choose a closeness, who care for each other in ways that families used to, though they are not related.

I generally like what David Brooks has to say, but this time I disagree. Reading the article led me to think about what I have seen of this trend in my own family.

My grandmother Leah was raised in a very tight-knit extended family. Her uncles and aunts and cousins lived within blocks of her home, and her grandfather would go out every morning to visit each of his children, carrying a basket with food to share, maybe some eggs or fruit or baked goods. When my grandmother was widowed at age 25, her parents insisted she move back home with them, even though they had to sleep on a cot in the dining room so they could give their room to her and her two little daughters. 

Leah had a degree in stenography, and her parents encouraged her to go to work while her mother watched the little girls. Then, in about six years, when Leah’s father died of cancer, Leah became the main breadwinner for the household, which now included a sister who was critically ill and her two children. When that sister died, Grandma Leah also supported her children. But she had lots of family support: her mother tended the four children while Leah worked, and her sister, just next door, always did the girls’ hair before school. 

My mother, Leah’s oldest daughter, went to college, received a teaching degree, and married a smart handsome young man from just across town, Henry. Henry had also been raised in a large, supportive family. His family was what Brooks called a “corporate family”—the four boys worked the family land, planting, cultivating, harvesting. They never received any wages, but Henry’s father made sure that every child with a desire went to college. 

After Henry and Leah, my parents, graduated and were married, they left their large supportive families and set off alone for California. My dad had a scholarship to study for an MBA at Stanford University. There they were on their own. Soon there was a baby, and that was the beginning of the nuclear family I was raised in—emblematic of the mid-20^th century, as Brooks describes it. Henry worked as an accountant 6 days a week to provide a good life for the family. Leah stayed home to raise the children, honing her skills as a seamstress and homemaker to contribute.  They never returned to their families in Spanish Fork. 

Though they were far from their extended families, this new family was not without support. Wherever they lived, they created communities of friends--“forged family” as Brooks would have it--that provided support. The fellow graduate students in Palo Alto, the church community wherever they lived, all became almost like family. We celebrated holidays with these friends and when my mom had a miscarriage, one of them traveled many miles to care for her.

I’ve also seen “forged families” in my own experience. I had a very close network of friends through 6 years of college and graduate school. When we moved to Canada as newlyweds, we relied on a community of friends there who supported us through loneliness and new parenthood. 

I have experienced all three models: the extended family, the nuclear family, and the forged family. Can the forged family take the place of blood family?

In my experience no. My college friends felt like “family” at the time, but then we moved away and now that close relationship is mostly just Christmas cards, if that. My mom’s close graduate school friends were always happy to see her when she was in the area, but she didn’t go to them for help when she became fragile, she came to me.

Close networks of friends serve a very important purpose, but generally that purpose is limited by space and time. You rely on one another when you are near each other, usually during a time when actual family is unavailable. Dear friends of mine immigrated to the States from Puerto Rico in young adulthood. They formed a tight network with other young immigrants, so tight a bond they call each other “framily.” They became aunts and uncles and cousins to one another for decades. But still, now that the original framily are becoming grandparents, with strong family bonds in their own [now extended] families, the bonds are not quite as tight as they once were. They are relying on their blood relations more than on each other. 

Because this is the thing about a family, a real family. 

It lasts. 

No matter what happens you are still brother, sister, mother, father, grandchild, grandmother. You may move. You may be angry. You perhaps won’t like each other much. 

But you are family. You have a shared experience. You have shared DNA. You have family recipes. 

Even when you don’t like each other, you need to hold onto each other. Because no one can be your family but your family. Of course, there are times when safe boundaries need to be drawn. But still you are family.

I think God made families not only to make life easier—though there is that, as parents care for infants and siblings teach younger ones. 

I think God also created families because living in a family is hard. When you have a fight, you can’t just ignore the former friend, not talk to them, and let the relationship die. Your family is always going to be there, and you need to work through the disagreement, you need to figure out how to forgive, you need to see the other person’s point of view. You need to do the hard work of loving someone.

And that is why I think families can never be obsolete. If families are indeed dwindling, if they are endangered, then we need to fight hard to maintain them. We need families, because that is where we learn to be human.